he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
