The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
