There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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