I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
