good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I need water and some morals
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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