I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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