I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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