im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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