I think scott just propositioned me for sex
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
