I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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