i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
