Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
