:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
