I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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