Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
