onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
