you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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