I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
