I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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