operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
