just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
