**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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