yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
what day is it and did you see me today?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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