I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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