I checked into jail on foursquare
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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