we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
