I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
