My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
