At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
