HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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