There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
