I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
