I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
