You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
