Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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