i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
