my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
