My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Randomize
