my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
