dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
