I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
