i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
