You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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