I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
