Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
