Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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