I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
