If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
