thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
A+ Viking dick
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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