I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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