i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
